Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
