Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
