I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
