I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
