I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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