Don't make out with my wife yet
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
