Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
smell my finger.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
