he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
