I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
