Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
