I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
