in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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