I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
