I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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