you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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