Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
