Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
