Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
