i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
