OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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