LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
