I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
