Pappa wants mamma naked
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
