This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
