Swine flu is the new snow day.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
