lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
