i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
