I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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