i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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