my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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