This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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