she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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