soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
