I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
