i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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