M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
