dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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