the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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