I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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