Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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