The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
