i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
