Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if only i could text you this smell
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
As shirtless as possible
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
