I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
