I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
