So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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