Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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