please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
