Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
