I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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