she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
