I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
