True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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