matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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