why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
